Empathy in the Business World Is Overrated

People demand empathy from their managers. An entire industry has sprung up promising to transform managers into empathetic leaders. What made me curious about the role of empathy in human behavior started with a little experiment I conducted a while ago. I consulted an authority on the topic — in this case religion — and ran a search for the word “empathy” in the bible. My hypothesis was, somewhere in the bible’s 66 chapters, the authors would capture something on “empathy”. Lo and behold, the book has very little to say about it. The NIV translation has one mention of the word in Hebrews 4: “For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin.” 

Empathy Can only Get You So Far

The reason why I think empathy in leadership is overrated is my theory that it is often based on expectations that have nothing to do with what empathy means. I would not be surprised if a big chunk of employee respondents who say “empathy” is a crucial trait in a manager are actually looking for something else. For example, some really want a cuddle group. That is not what your team is about. The same goes for psychological safety, the holy grail of high performing teams. This safety refers to a safe space for you to get challenged and even uncomfortable. That is the opposite of a cuddle group which will not help anyone in their professional growth. 

In short, real empathy is not about having a friendly and ever affirming manager. It is simply the ability to understand and share the feelings of another. Empathy is a valuable trait but I find it stops short of what you need if you are growth oriented. The first step is to understand and accept you yourself have the biggest role to play in your growth. I define growth in a broad sense and do not limit it to a career advancement plan. Growth encompasses personal development, too. Second, your desire to grow requires you to self-reflect. The Greek philosopher Thales of Miletus once said: “The most difficult thing in life is to get to know yourself.” This is not something you can delegate if you are serious about your personal development. But you can ask for help.

Asking for Help Is Your Job

Help is the operating word here. If you need help, I have a challenge for you: what type of leader or manager do you need if you are serious about professional and personal growth? Do you want a leader who is empathetic, i.e. who is aware of your feelings? Or do you want a leader who has a desire to take action and help? These are two different things because empathy is just the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.

Perhaps even more challenging, who is going to help you advance more, a friendly manager who is aware of your feelings and that’s it — or a manager who has his/her outbursts but understands where you want to go and helps you despite letting off steam? One way to figure out how to respond to that question is to ask yourself which leader will broaden your horizon. If your manager is focused on practical help AND empathic, all the better. But I invite you to consider what is more important for your growth, the feel good factor or practical help in broadening your horizon.

People with Scars Find Each Other

I wish I had come up with this profound statement but I overheard it at a dinner party years ago. It has stuck with me for several reasons. First, I get to see the truth in that every time I encounter people with scars. Second, it has shaped my opinion about empathy, especially empathy in the business world.

With “scars”, I mean significant negative events which cut your life into a before and after. These scars are the result of acute suffering. The wounds may have healed but the impact is so severe, that subsequent events will be evaluated differently than before. 

Here are some examples: I have friends who lost one of their sons to suicide. No family gathering will ever be the same for them as the ones before. Other friends have lost their businesses not of their own fault but due to criminal actions of competitors. They felt the loss of reputation so severely that they had suicidal thoughts. They, too, need to make a conscious decision about how they view competitors. Surviving a potentially terminal illness will make you view every medical checkup from a very different point of view afterwards. Of course, this is highly subjective but I hope you get the idea. 

From Scars to Compassion

War experiences are another thing. To illustrate, I was born 25 years after WWII ended. Among my elders were many veterans. My own father had been bombed out and shot at from all directions when he and his brother crossed a war-torn Germany. As teens, alone and on their own. When he entered the labor force, “empathy” was not a thing, certainly not something you talked about in the context of your career. But he said one thing I haven’t forgotten. The best bosses he ever had were the ones who had been serving in WWII. They were often focused on getting things done rather than politics. They were direct and sometimes tough but they were able to move on. They were “humane”.

That statement always made me curious especially as my father was not an admirer of military attitude and his parents had made it a point not to join the Nazi party. I would have expected the opposite and I am sure there were plenty of examples of embittered soldiers who returned and never learned how to deal with their experiences. 

However, those who were great managers may have taken important lessons from the horrors they had seen. 

• When you have faced death, what’s the big deal about a missed deadline or more minor mistakes? 
• Extreme situations can bring out the best in some people and that can bring out the best in others. 
• In suffering they have received compassion — help — and decided to give back. 
• With suffering comes authority that projects up and down the corporate ladder. 
• As stated before, people with scars find each other. There is an understanding about the impact of suffering that does not require words and shows primarily in action.

People with scars were forced into a gray area where the challenges were often so deep that black and white are not always helpful categories when we try to make sense of things. I wonder whether religious texts such as the bible have so little to say about empathy because the impact of compassion is much greater because it is action oriented. So, what is compassion? It is a sympathetic pity and concern for the sufferings or misfortunes of others that is action oriented and comes with a desire to help.

From Compassion to Growth

Black and white are really comfort zones and, as British journalist Anita Anand once said, “we elbow our way into the gray zones” because it is often a forced entry for us. To do that, we leave the black/white of certainty and that is uncomfortable. Meeting compassion in that area is most helpful to be able to stay, explore and make sense. Compassionate people want to help you do that. A compassionate manager is willing to enter this space with you so that you can learn from your mistakes.

Some scars are visible because life can be tough. They may come across as a little edgy or rugged. In many cases, this is because they have no time for pretense. They may be direct, even blunt. They may not be your idea of empathetic. If you start digging deeper, they may have learned compassion with themselves and others more so than the empathetic leader down the hallway. And when you are young and have already developed your own scars, you will find each other.

So, what do you do as an employee who wants to learn and grow?

• Take action yourself. You cannot delegate personal growth to others. 
• Develop a curiosity about yourself: what is it you really want?
• Identify people with scars in your life.  
• Ask for concrete help.
• Test whether the person actually does provide help; if not, move on. Mere empathy from others won’t get you places if all you get is just someone who can relate. 

The last word goes to one of two friends of mine who was financially ruined by the criminal activities of a competitor. “I have not become bitter. If anything it has made me more compassionate.” And then he proceeded with the offer to connect me with someone who could be helpful for the next business venture.

The original article was first published in German on crimalin.com on May 31, 2024.