Career Advice — Learn to Forgive

It seems the thought of forgiveness is one of those rare concepts most of humanity can agree on. So, why is it so hard to put into action? And why could the practice of forgiveness have a positive impact on your career, your leadership style and possibly even your business? 
 
The concept of forgiveness crosses cultural, religious and philosophical boundaries. It is certainly not unique to Christianity. Neither do the so-called Abrahamic faiths (Christianity, Islam and Judaism) have a monopoly on it. The followers of the Bahá'í Faith, Buddhism, Hindu Dharma, Jainism to name just a few other religions are also aware of forgiveness. And for the atheists among us, psychology will tell you about the importance of forgiving — others as well as yourself.
 
The following will explore what forgiveness is, why it is important for everyone to be able to forgive and how it applies to our “office lives”. I will also touch on the question of what may not be forgivable as well as trauma and forgiveness (think rape, abuse, victims of genocide, war, etc.).
 
First, let’s deal with some misconceptions about forgiveness. Forgiveness is not a sign of weakness. It is not an emotion. It is not about letting someone else off the hook — forgive and forget just does not always work. Rather, it is the key to our own healing and when we experience healing, we benefit. So will our professional lives. 

To understand the power of forgiveness better, it is important to view forgiveness as a choice. Not a fuzzy feeling. You choose to hold on to a grudge or a hurt. The decision to forgive is yours to make and you control it. It is your choice whether you forgive the person who proactively apologizes and seeks your forgiveness. You can make that same decision where a face to face meeting is not possible and even when the party who wronged you never asked for forgiveness. 
 
Let’s face it, sometimes they won’t even know they hurt you. When and where possible it is important to address how they made you feel. Addressing it is one part if the recovery and it can become part of the process of forgiveness. Imagine they never realized that harsh word at that moment was devastating for you. Now picture them immediately apologizing. Remember, forgiving the other party is about you – not them. 
 
Every time that person is in a meeting with you, you can choose to forgive, instead of sulking in the corner. Let’s assume your superior gave you a less than stellar performance review and expressed her disappointment in a harsh tone. Now picture your next team meeting where your hurt and your own disappointment makes. You focus on past behavior rather than trying to find a way to move on. By forgiving your boss for her choice of harsh words you can now concentrate of supporting your colleagues in a team meeting. AT that point in time, your choice is to constructively contribute or punish everyone in the room (including yourself) by sulking, being passive aggressive, obstructing, opposing, and just being plain annoying. 
 
Forgiveness Does Not Come from a Place of Weakness
What takes more strength, to hold a grudge or to actively forgive the person who wronged us? Wouldn’t it be easier to not forgive and indulge in revenge fantasies? It sure sounds like more fun. But it isn’t. Not to forgive makes you unfree because you are beholden to a grudge, revenge, hate even, none of which are positive feelings and none of which will have a positive impact on you nor your environment, nor how your environment (colleagues superiors, etc.) will perceive you. 
 
Basically you are doing yourself a favor when you forgive others. You literally let go of any of these negative emotions because you release yourself, not just the party that wronged you. That will also change the narrative about this particular person. Sometimes there is an explanation for why they treated you the way they did. That is not an excuse. It is just an explanation and that is information. Information is your best tool to transform the part you play in that relationship.
 
Picture a colleague who puts the entire blame of a project gone wrong on you. Irrespective of what part that colleague played — or failed to play — during the project, he was not able to take his share of the responsibility. This very collegial behavior may come from a deeply rooted fear of losing his job. That still does not justify his actions and it won’t take away your hurt. It has the potential for you to develop an understanding for that person’s action. It is a challenge. It also offers up an opportunity to come alongside that colleague and that will work best when you choose to forgive. Confronting someone who hurt you or caused negative emotions in you is an act of strength and the first step to transforming that relationship.
 
Forgiveness is Not a Warm Emotion
The reality is this is how the other team member will perceive your behavior. Even if they know your boss wronged you, they don’t want the issues between you and the other person to negatively impact the progress of the team. And it won’t help in your next performance review either. On the contrary, you may end up cementing an already shaky view of the quality of your work.
 
To Forgive Is to Challenge Yourself
In light of these examples, do not ignore the hurt you feel is real. The challenge for you is how you deal with it. 
 
Of course, there is a spectrum ranging from harsh reviews, unkind superiors, scheming peers all the way to bullying and unfair dismissal. To choose to forgive requires strength. It requires you to think it through. It may not change your colleagues’ behavior. But it will change your behavior towards your colleagues — and that will increase the chances of them noticing. They will also notice the strength and courage it takes, probably begrudgingly. But they will notice that you have taken control. Or as the old coaching tool states: how can the problem become part of the solution? Can your hurt turn into a catalyst for positive change because you choose to confront and also to forgive?
 
What about the Unforgiveable Things?
Someone will now ask: what about victims of rape or violent crimes or parents whose children were murdered? What about entire nations which fell victim to colonization, the holocaust, war, etc.? Let me challenge you. Does this really relate to you or are you trying to justify your own unwillingness to forgive?
 
If a third party wronged you — be it through physical and/or mental abuse, neglect, a violent crime, war and murder — and committed an unforgiveable crime, the thought of forgiving can easily become unthinkable, even non permittable. 
 
I will premise everything I write now by saying seek help and professional support in severe trauma cases. It is also crucial to keep in mind there is no verdict yet on the impact of forgiveness in trauma therapy. It comes down to the individual patient’s need. My opinion is this: it is possible to choose to forgive people who committed horrible crimes against you as long as we understand it does not mean they are off the hook. It does not mean they should not face the legal consequences for their actions. 
 
I am sharing this opinion against the background of many examples where holocaust survivors were able to forgive their Nazi tormentors, parents forgave the murderers of their children, rape victims forgave their rapists and victims of terrorist atrocities forgave the terrorists. This forgiveness was expressed in the court rooms just before sentencing or sometimes while the perpetrator was already in prison. In some case, this resulted in the two parties collaborating in awareness programs, prison reform and yes, all the way up to initial steps to national healing — remember the Truth and Reconciliation Commission in post-apartheid South Africa? 
 
Sometimes the perpetrators did not seek forgiveness because they did not think what they did was wrong. However, for their victims to forgive was an important step and they chose to take that step. I mentioned big stuff that people were able to forgive. Do not wait until that snippy remark turns into bullying. You can address things early. You can choose to forgive early. And sometimes, that may be a daily decision. It may not even be necessary for the offender to repeat his or her actions. A mere recollection of that hurt will do. Then your invitation is to choose to forgive again.
 
Nobody Needs to Agree with You when You Choose to Forgive
Let me end with a personal story that may shed some light how the choice to forgive is yours – even when it makes no sense to outsiders. Decades ago when I still harbored ambitions of becoming a fully-fledged historian I had a job in the UK working on holocaust related materials. Yup, for German historians that’s where your best chances were at the time. Someone needed to be able to read all these Nazi documents, after all. Part of the job required a lot of interaction with holocaust survivors. Many of them had little time for niceties and tended to be very direct and not in the least inhibited. Because what could possibly happen to them compared to what they had already been through?
 
We were at a black-tie event and suddenly I noticed one of the survivors making a bee line for me. “I understand you are German,” she said. I braced myself as I had a hunch were this would be going. And sure enough she continued: “So, tell me. What is your take on the holocaust from the perspective of a German?” 
 
After a little pause I replied: “I was born 25 years after WWII ended. So, my generation is not responsible for what happened. However, I acknowledge the guilt of my father’s and grandfather’s generation.”
 
I did not ask for forgiveness and she offered none. It was not necessary. With a hint of a smile she said: “That’s all I wanted to hear. At least you did not try to tell me there was nothing that normal people could have done.”
 
The story does not end there. Obviously, this little exchange left a deep impression with me. I found myself forgiving my fathers’ and grandfather’s generation. Not for the holocaust. But for the embarrassment I had felt as a German that night with several people listening in to that conversation. This might sound a little extreme. However, it helped me tremendously in my subsequent work with holocaust survivors and their descendants when being German did not always make me the most popular person in the room.
 
This blog post was first published in German on July 31^st, 2023 on crimalin.com.