When the Guy Does Not Pull His Weight

What women want is simple: grown men. However, they appear to be a dwindling species. According to Gallup and the WEF, the emerging trend is that GenZ and Millennial males find it easier to be in a relationship with a “homemaker” rather than with a woman who is successful in her career.

To find out more, I created a survey - my inner analyst wants it that way. The results were very enlightening and not always in a positive way. My sample was small (40 women from 12 countries across four continents), but the trends confirm what other surveys found years ago. That's why I'm pretty sure that the survey results are quite reliable. The entire sample data set is available below. Other than the data, the responses to the open-ended questions were particularly interesting - and these are the focus of this blog.

You Can’t Have It All

Unsurprisingly, women find it difficult to strike the right balance between career and relationships. When youthrow children into the mix, the complexity of the challenges increases immensely. There is never enough time. “You can have it all” doesn’t seem to be the case. At the end of the day, women want to be treated fairly in their relationships. It's not about a 50/50 split of the to-do list, but about attitude. In practical terms, this means for men to actively offer support and act instead of waiting to be asked.

You would think these are no longer real issues. But no. One participant summarized the reality for many women as follows: “When it comes down to it, it is very challenging for men when the woman earns more and advances faster in her career.” But it gets even worse: “My partner decides our path without asking me, even though I am the main earner.” While the last quote is from a manager around 50, the other observation was shared by a young founder under 30.
 
And then there is the detail that almost 40% of the women in this survey reported they had once been in a relationship in which the male partner could not handle their career success. None of these relationships survived. Don’t think these are all ice-cold career women who stop at nothing to advance their career. When it comes to choosing between a career and a relationship, women are more likely to choose the relationship. So it seems obvious that the problem is not the successful career, but the men.

Women Power

This makes it particularly difficult for younger women. GenZ and Millennials are falling back into the Stone Age of relationships. On the other hand, the likelihood for women with successful careers to find men for a relationship on equal terms becomes smaller as the following statistics show:

• In the USA, the proportion of women in the labor market is higher than that of men.

• Also in the USA, 1980 was the last year in which the proportion of male graduates with a BA was equal to the female proportion. Since 2020, almost 60% of BA graduates are women.

• So much so that the main reason successful career women freeze their eggs isn't because of the career ladder, but because they haven't found the right partner with whom they want to have children.

 
Based on the survey, women want men who are confident, take care of themselves, and have their eyes set on something “bigger than themselves.”
 
Here are a few quotes:

• “My partner competes with me if I earn more.”

• “When a man has no idea how to take care of himself, it usually shows when challenges arise.”

• “For me, supporting me means that he has his own passions. It doesn’t necessarily have to be your career.”

What increases the chances of a good relationship are shared values, open communication and clarity about common goals. Having shared values and open communication for example, is possible even without the same level of education, monthly salary and social background. It is rather more important to find out what each person brings to the relationship in order to live these values ​​and achieve the goals. “I will do this for you if you do this for me” is negotiation and transaction, but not transformation.
 
I come back to the quote from the young founder who said that a partner supports her when he has his own passions. Can this be a key to expanding the radius of your search for a partner? Where can you find people who share your values ​​and/or are committed to them? Where can you find people who pursue similar goals?
 
Coaching can help you discover your own values ​​and goals. Coaching can also help uncover hidden values ​​and/or assumptions and reveal whether you have internalized these values ​​simply because of external pressure. And coaching can also help you look at relationships in a new way and discover values ​​and goals as a couple.

 

Figure Out What You Can Control – and Take Charge

Former Facebook COO Sheryl Sandberg is not the first, but probably one of the most famous people to say, “The most important career decision women make is who they marry.” So what should you do as a woman? A first step can be to be clear about what you can and cannot control. This includes some hard truths and trends. Let’s take a closer look at two of them. Firstly, as has already been mentioned, the pond from which women can fish for partners at eye level is becoming smaller. Secondly, society judges – no matter what a woman does.

What others condemn in our lives is first of all a statement about their values ​​and ideas. We have the choice to submit to this judgment or not. Even if society sets it as an ideal, maybe you don't want a husband, long-term partner, better half or whatever you want to call it. If you don’t then why bother. One battle less to fight.

If the search for partners on equal terms is becoming increasingly difficult due to shrinking demographics, the question of the definition of ‘equal’ may be interesting. For many, this means comparable career level, level of education, family background, etc. These are important factors, but also social constructs that we often accept without question. Above all, they are no guarantee of a good relationship.

Transaction or Transformation — Together We Are Strong
What increases the chances of a good relationship are shared values, open communication and clarity about common goals. Having shared values and open communication for example, is possible even without the same level of education, monthly salary and social background. It is rather more important to find out what each person brings to the relationship in order to live these values ​​and achieve the goals. “I will do this for you if you do this for me” is negotiation and transaction, but not transformation.
 
I come back to the quote from the young founder who said that a partner supports her when he has his own passions. Can this be a key to expanding the radius of your search for a partner? Where can you find people who share your values ​​and/or are committed to them? Where can you find people who pursue similar goals?
 
Coaching can help you discover your own values ​​and goals. Coaching can also help uncover hidden values ​​and/or assumptions and reveal whether you have internalized these values ​​simply because of external pressure. And coaching can also help you look at relationships in a new way and discover values ​​and goals as a couple.
 
Here is the link to the results of the survey and reading material:
 
Stephanie Coontz, Marriage, a History: How Love Conquered Marriage
Jennifer Pertriglieri, Couples That Work
The School of Life, The Couple's Workbook

This blog post was first published in German on July 12, 2023 on crimalin.com.