Life as an Expat — Your Chance to Tackle the Big Questions

You can roughly break out the life cycle of most expat experiences into four phases: the honeymoon phase, the reality shock, equilibrium and lastly, do it all over again. These phases don’t always come in the same order and no expat experience is the same because we all carry baggage with us (literally and figuratively). In addition, not every posting is considered to be desirable. However, in the context of the expat experience, you, your partner and/or children have a unique opportunity: find out who you are and grapple with some bigger questions. As a coach, I’d say: Grab that opportunity!

The Honeymoon

You move to a new country and everything is new. The first three to six months can be exhilarating and even the local quirks are interesting, possibly even amusing. Every turn you take you see a new sight. It’s a new job and you meet new colleagues. Your partner may possibly go through the same experience — and often the kids are the ones to adapt the fastest.

Reality Check

The next phase is often characterized by less positive emotions. It hits you that you have given up a lot for this career move: your home, friends, familiar surroundings and the little things. The challenges of the new job sink in as well as expectations people have of your performance. Your local colleagues do things differently and you hit a wall. Your partner may experience the same emotions as he/she may not be able to work and realizes that you cannot fill your day marveling about the new place. What used to be amusing local idiosyncrasies by now is just annoying.

Equilibrium

The third phase is coming to terms with the differences. You find what you like. You know what you don’t like and you have settled. Having made some local friends often helps. Ideally the entire family has had the same journey. While not really home, your new country has become a true place of residence. What used to be strange has become normal.

Do it All Again

Postings come to an end. Your company may ask you to move to another international job or you return to your own country. Either way, you’ll do it all over again — even when you return home. The longer you’ve stayed abroad the bigger the potential reverse culture shock can be. The country has changed. You have changed. Things you never considered quirky about your own countrymen turn out to be just that when compared to how you have lived your life for the past years. You may even find some friendships were not as deep as you had imagined. Some people may think you have become odd. You may find that you cannot pick up your old life where you left it before you moved away.

What Next?

I am sure you will find yourself in one of these phases. Personally, I have experienced them all. Having lived outside my country of birth for 20 years, I picked up a second passport, my children were all born in different countries and have moved to yet more countries. I met my best friends abroad and lost some at home. And home is not what I thought it would be.
Each one of us experiences these phases differently. Perhaps the honeymoon phase comes after the reality check. Perhaps you never quite settle down. It all depends on individual circumstances. The best-case scenario is you moved willingly because of career advancement, you like the country you have been posted to and your partner and children are supportive. However, what if you have been sent against your will into a culture you find too alien? What if you hate the heat and you end up in SE Asia? What if you love sunshine and you end up in a country where it is often grey and rainy?

Self-Reflection

As a coach, I wonder did you even know how important sunshine is to you? Or what kind of discussions did you have with your partner about life abroad? Equally important how do you handle the challenges you face in your identity? For instance, what does it say about your identity as a working male when you suddenly find yourself as the accompanying at home spouse/partner because you are not allowed to work in the country your partner has been posted to?
If you never thought about such things, you might have a hard time. However, just because you never considered these questions does not mean it’s too late. First of all, you are not alone. Second, the rough life cycle I described above is also a common experience. What you do with this awareness can make a huge difference. The crucial thing is to create something like a road map. This is particularly important for dual career couples. 
Such road map is not meant to be set in stone. It simply serves as orientation and is it is perfectly fine to redefine and renegotiate. However, not knowing what is important to you as individual and to you in your role as a spouse/partner will make maneuvering your expat life and your life as a couple and family harder. So, grab that opportunity — and dare ask who am I and what do I want?
 

Why We Should Work Like the Pope

When I went to school we still had “religion” as a subject. I even had it as a final oral exams topic for my high school diploma. To this day I recall with great satisfaction how I dazzled the panel with my “knowledge” of “realized eschatology”.

The Pope Has Time

I also recall one teacher of Catholic theology first and foremost because he was an odd-ball but an odd-ball who visited sick colleagues in hospital, checked on me during a period when things weren’t all that great and had a sensitivity for misogyny which would not be out of place today. He also said one thing that has somehow stuck with me: “The pope has time because he knows what he doesn’t get done, one of his successors will. That is why the Church does nothing in a hurry.” 
I wonder about the business implications of that statement and beyond. Let’s look at taking your time to manage your business or department. I can imagine how the prospects of taking your time will sound very appealing. We live in a fast-paced environment and we have been conditioned to believe if we don’t get it done someone else will eat our lunch. That is true in toxic organizations and for business models without a long-term vision. They are simply “milking the cash-cow” for as long as possible. Squeezing cash out of a segment in itself is a legitimate strategic approach (BCG matrix, anyone?). However, without a long-term strategy the business is a one-trick pony show or in a segment of copy cats riding a wave for as long as possible. Ultimately, it has no outward purpose.

The Management Process is unlimited — Our Time is Not

That brings me back to the fundamentals of how we look at the time we have as founders, CEOs, or managers. By definition, we won’t be able to do it all nor to finish it which should not be the goal anyway if we want to build something sustainable. Our time is limited but the management process never stops. Let’s stop for a moment here and reflect on what this statement makes you think and or feel. If you are like me, you may think how you know this intellectually but you don’t act accordingly. At the end of the day, the way you act is based on your core beliefs and values and that means a statement like this can challenge some of your beliefs or even the notion you have about some beliefs you think you ought to have.
For instance, one core belief and value you may have or think you should have is to always work hard and that this hard work will be rewarded. The way this belief may manifested itself in your working behavior could be that you spend long hours in the office, preferably being the last one to leave, even on a Friday. You may prioritize your career goals at the expense of time with friends and/or family. So far the cliché. What can be a scary exercise is to test whether this value and/or belief is actually true for the organization or the managers you work with. If not, what are the implications? Are your core beliefs wrong? Is your action based on these beliefs perhaps not helping? Or is there a mismatch between your values and the organization’s values? 

Great Beliefs Can Turn into Unhealthy Behavior

What about other less cliché-like beliefs and values? For example, strong beliefs about loyalty can tie you to an organization, one of your managers and your employees far beyond a best sell by date. Or managerial buzzwords can trigger unhealthy behaviors or patterns. I wonder how many aspiring managers mis-read Robert Greenleaf’s ideas about “servant leadership” when the concept was first published in 1970 and took it to levels that were never intended by its author. For example, consider the key tools for a servant-leader including listening, persuasion, access to intuition and foresight, use of language, and pragmatic measurements of outcomes, how many got stuck on serving, listening, etc. Terms such as “serving”, “listening” and “intuition” can easily trigger behaviors in many different suboptimal ways. In themselves, they are important leadership traits. However, they only work with the other bit of the equation, namely the ability to make tough decisions required for good outcomes.
The big temptation for many of us is to believe in our own importance. Not surprisingly, very few people will admit to having a heightened belief in their own importance. But we do and our behavioral patterns betray such as belief such as the desire to be in every meeting. Doubting decisions which were made without you in the room. A need for that corner office. Or simply the idea that you are essential for the department or the entire organization. One of the hardest lessons for our self-worth and self-image is to accept the fact that we are replaceable. Just try naming five decently managed organizations which collapsed because the CEO left. If organizations can survive a CEO succession, they will survive you putting an end to your self-importance.

We Are Unique but still Replaceable

Being replaceable does not negate our uniqueness. It simply means the role we fulfill at our organization can be filled by someone else. You need proof? Think about the last promotion you got and the fact someone else had to step into your shoes. You have already been replaced before. And yes, people may mourn your leaving to a different organization or just moving across the hallway. That will last for about a month, and everyone will have arranged themselves to the new person. 
What are the practical implications of this? Ideally, we can learn to chill. I don’t mean to be flippant about this. What I am trying to say is that there is the potential to feel less burdened. We are free to reflect on our true responsibilities and the ones we took on even though they are crushing us. I am not referring to working less. I am referring to a reasonable pace not weighed down by unmanageable responsibilities and more space to actually think strategically about how to improve things. 

Do the Quality Work

A useful tool to identify how we spend our time – or waster our time – is the Eisenhower matrix.

 
As you can see, the “quality” work happens in the not urgent part. Imagine the opportunities for developing quality output without urgency. 
This is where coaching can support you. Systemic coaching creates an environment for you to explore your own core beliefs and how they shape your behavior in your role in your organization. With your insights, a coach can accompany you on your journey to separate the noise from the essential – in a sense to learn how to work like the pope. Learn to trust in your own decisions. Realize that there is work to be done for your successors and perhaps take a much bigger picture view of the purpose of your organization. And if you really want to work like the pope, you can do the same thought process for life in general.